19. Sī lí tòng bē tiâu, m̄-sī góa
"Bē-sái án-ne. Taⁿ án-ne tō hó, góa koàn-sì ah." Yi ná kóng ná chē thêng, suh chi̍t-ê tōa khùi, m̄-koh iáu sī ut-ut bē tháu-khùi. Thang-á-mûi thoah khui, siūⁿ boeh thò͘, mā thò͘ bô. Pún-chiâⁿ siūⁿ boeh tó lo̍h, tī tē-pán kún-liông chi̍t-ē, m̄-koh iáu sī jím tio̍h. Án-ne kòe chi̍t-khùn. Ū-sî yi iū chheng-chhéⁿ hó-hó, liân-sòa hoah boeh túiⁿ. Sî-kan í-keng sī pòaⁿ-mê nn̄g-tiám.
"Lí khì khùn lah. Ai-ah, lí kín khì khùn."
"Iah lí boeh chhòng sáⁿ?" Shimamura mūi yi.
"Góa chē tī chia, tán khah chheng-chhéⁿ tō boeh túiⁿ. Thiⁿ bōe kuiⁿ góa tio̍h ài túiⁿ." Yi iōng kha-thâu-u sóa khì Shimamura sin-piⁿ, kā khiú tio̍h kóng:
"Lí bián chhap góa, kín khì khùn lah."
Shimamura koh kiu ji̍p mî-phōe. Cha-bó͘ pê khì toh-á hia tōa-chhùi koàn chúi.
"Lí khí-lâi, kín khí-lâi lah."
"Tàu-té sī án-nóa lah?"
"Lí iáu sī khì khùn hó lah."
"Ná ē án-ne kóng ah?" Shimamura peh khí-lâi, hut-leh kā cha-bó͘ khiú kòe.
Chū án-ne, cha-bó͘ ê bīn oa̍t lâi oa̍t khì, hut-leh kā chhùi-tûn tu kòe-lâi.
Án-ne liáu-āu, koh ná hām-bîn án-ne kóng chhut khó͘-thiong:
"Bē-sái lah. Bē-sái án-ne. Lí m̄-sī kóng kan-ta boeh chò pêng-iú?" M̄-chai án-ne tiông-ho̍k kóng kúi piàn.
Shimamura kám-tōng tio̍h yi he chin-chêng ê siaⁿ-tiāu, khòaⁿ yi ba̍k-thâu kat ân, chīn-la̍t ah-chè ka-tī ê kian-kiông ì-chì, i ê hóe hoa khì ah, sīm-chì tih siūⁿ, sī-m̄-sī tio̍h chun-siú hām yi ê iak-sok.
"Góa bô sáⁿ hó khó-sioh, choa̍t-tùi bô sáⁿ hó khó-sioh lah. M̄-koh, góa m̄-sī hit-khoán cha-bó͘, m̄-sī hit-khoán cha-bó͘ lah. Lí m̄-sī ka-tī kóng, he bē kú-tn̂g?"
Yi í-keng chùi kah nōa kô͘-kô͘ ah.
"M̄-sī góa bô-koai. Sī lí bô-koai lah. Sī lí su lah. Sī lí tòng bē-tiâu, m̄-sī góa."
Yi kóng kah chhùi poe-poe, ūi tio̍h ah-lo̍h sim-lāi ê hoaⁿ-hí, kín khì kā chhiú-úiⁿ.
--
19. 是你擋袂牢, 毋是我
"袂使 án-ne. 今 án-ne tō 好, 我慣勢 ah." 她 ná 講 ná 坐騰, 欶一个大氣, 毋過猶是鬱鬱袂敨氣. 窗仔 mûi 挩開, 想欲吐, mā 吐無. 本成想欲倒落, tī 地板滾龍一下, 毋過猶是忍著. Án-ne 過一睏. 有時她又清醒好好, 連紲喝欲 túiⁿ. 時間已經是半暝兩點.
"你去睏 lah. Ai-ah, 你緊去睏."
"Iah 你欲創 sáⁿ?" Shimamura mūi 她.
"我坐 tī 遮, 等較清醒 tō 欲 túiⁿ. 天未 kuiⁿ 我著愛 túiⁿ." 她用跤頭趺徙去 Shimamura 身邊, kā 搝著講:
"你免 chhap 我, 緊去睏 lah."
Shimamura koh 勼入棉被. 查某爬去桌仔遐大喙灌水.
"你起來, 緊起來 lah."
"到底是 án-nóa lah?"
"你猶是去睏好 lah."
"那會 án-ne 講 ah?" Shimamura peh 起來, 忽 leh kā 查某搝過.
自 án-ne, 查某 ê 面越來越去, 忽 leh kā 喙唇 tu 過來.
Án-ne 了後, koh ná 陷眠 án-ne 講出苦衷:
"袂使 lah. 袂使 án-ne. 你毋是講干焦欲做朋友?" 毋知 án-ne 重複講幾遍.
Shimamura 感動著她 he 真情 ê 聲調, 看她目頭結絚, 盡力壓制 ka-tī ê 堅 kiâng 意志, 伊 ê 火 hoa 去 ah, 甚至 tih 想, 是毋是著遵守和她 ê iak 束.
"我無啥好可惜, 絕對無啥好可惜 lah. 毋過, 我毋是彼款查某, 毋是彼款查某 lah. 你毋是家治講, he 袂久長?"
她已經醉 kah 爛糊糊 ah.
"毋是我無乖. 是你無乖 lah. 是你輸 lah. 是你擋袂牢, 毋是我."
她講 kah 喙飛飛, 為著壓落心內 ê 歡喜, 緊去咬手 úiⁿ.
--
19.
"No, no. This is the way. I'm used to it." She sat up straight and took a deep breath, but breathing was clearly painful. She felt a little nauseated, she said, and opened the window behind her, but she could not vomit. She seemed to be holding back the urge to fall down writhing on the floor. Now and then she came to herself. "I'm going home, I'm going home," she said again and again, and presently it was after two.
"Go on to bed. Go on to bed when a person tells you to."
"But what will you do?" Shimamura asked.
" I'll j ust sit here like this. When I feel a little better I'll go home. I'll go home before daylight." She crawled·over on her knees and tugged at him. "Go on to sleep. Pay no attention to me, I tell you."
Shimamura went back to bed. The woman sprawled over the table and took another drink of water.
"Get up. Get up when a person tells you to."
"Which do you want me to do?"
"All right, go to sleep."
"You aren't making much sense, you know." He pulled her into bed after him.
Her face was turned half away, hidden from him, but after a time she thrust her lips violently toward him.
Then, as if in a delirium she v'ere trying to tell of her pain, she repeated over and over, he did not know how many times: "No, no. Didn't you say you wanted to be friends?"
The almost too serious tone of it rather dulled his ardor, and as he saw her wrinkle her forehead in the effort to control herself, he thought of standing by the commitment he had made.
But then she said: "I won't have any regrets. I'll never have any regrets. But I'm not that sort of woman. It can't last. Didn't you say so yourself?"
She was still half numb from the liquor.
"It's not my fault. It's yours. You lost. You're the weak one. Not I." She ran on almost in a trance, and she bit at her sleeve as if to fight back the happiness.
--
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